Harvest Millionaire
by AttackOfTheHappyMarshmallows
Summary: I don't know if this idea has been done before (to put HM characters on the Who Wants to be a Millionaire show) but trust me, you've never seen a story like this before. Heed the rating: It gets pretty f*cked up later on. ...And yes, it has The Penguins.


AN: I took the characters from HM64 (the only version of the game that I've played) and put them on the Who Wants to be a Millionaire show. Why? Because I can. As it says in the summary (which you SHOULD have read by now) it gets kind of weird at the end. And you probably won't understand some parts, because even I don't get most of it, and I wrote the damn thing. But, that's your problem. Go ahead and flame me; it's fun to laugh at illiterate idiots who have nothing better to do. Oh yeah, and everyone gets a SURPRISE having to do with the Bakery Dude (that's what I call him). But, silly me, I'm giving away the entire plot.  **(1)** (See **Index of Footnotes** at the end of the story.)

Or just go read it. Now.

AN2: It starts of kind of tame (meaning: **boring**) at the beginning, but it gets better later on. Trust me.

Harvest Moon "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

   (script sort of)

Mayor: *acting as Regis* Hello everyone, and welcome to Harvest Moon Who wants to be a millionaire. This is the first edition of this show, so you can expect there to be a few...glitches. I don't even know why we're taping this since I'm pretty sure Jack's the only person in Flower Bud Village who even has a television. But any ways, let's get on with the show...Who WANTS to be a (harvest) millionaire! Here are today's contestants.

He recently took over and renovated his late grandfather's farm...It's Jack!

Jack: *enters the Square (that's where this is all happening) looking excited, waving and smiling at all the girls. Sits down in the chair*

Mayor: Contestant number two...he used to be a famous horse racer, he comes from the Green Ranch...it's Gray!

Gray: *walks in with his usual frown on his face* How did _he_ get on this show? *points to Jack, who is still smiling and waving*

Mayor: Same way you did. *as if that explains everything*

Gray: Oh. *satisfied with the explanation, sits*

Mayor: And now our third player in today's game, He comes from the lower part of town, he makes great medicines, though they're a bit pricey.  It's the Potion Shop Dealer!!!

Potion Shop Guy: *walks in smiling and looking humble as he always does, sits down*

*Kent and Stu cheer him on from the audience* Yeah! Go grandpa! You can win!

Regis...err, the Mayor: And now our next person who could possibly become a Harvest Millionaire...she works at the library and is a little shy...give it up for Maria!

Maria: *walks slowly into the Square, blinking in the bright lights, with her hands clasped in front of her. The lights reflect off her glasses and temporarily blind the audience* Oh, sorry about that... *tiptoes to her seat, avoiding everyone's glance*

Mayor: And now the next person playing in the game...even though his shop's hardly ever open, it sells some pretty cool things. He even invented a time machine out of a couple of rocks Jack gave him.... it's Toolshop Rick!

Rick: *walks in with his hand behind his head, looking embarrassed* Actually, the time machine didn't really work, but thank you for mentioning it.

Mayor: Yeah, no one cares, Rick. *normal voice* And now, since you're probably pretty bored-

Audience: *in unison* Yes! We are!

Mayor: I'll just name the rest of the contestants.

The guy who works at the bakery and sells you way overpriced cakes and pies... It's Bakery Dude!

She sells you veggie seeds, without which you would not be able to make much money, and without which there would be no HM game. Flower Lillia!

It's Cliff, the wandering traveler. We don't know much about him. Maybe we'll learn something tonight.

And last but not least (in fact quite the opposite) she lives at the vineyard, serves at the bar most nights, and can out-drink anyone at the New Year's Festival...Karen!

*as Karen is walking out, Jack jumps up and tries to hug her, but she throws him off and kicks him. She smiles and walks to her seat, while Jack is sitting on the ground looking confused*

Mayor: Ok, now let's-- *looks at the one empty chair left* Where is our tenth contestant?

Postman Harris: *stands up in the audience and says sheepishly* Err, umm, well...I was supposed to be the tenth contestant, but I had to, uhh, drop out. Something came up.

Mayor: And what was that?

P.M.Harris: I, well, I...I just realized that no one in this town really likes me.

*everyone in the audience and all the contestants except Maria say something like...* Well, you got that right. Yes, mmmhmm, that's right. I never really liked him from the start.

Mayor: *staring at him as if he is a complete idiot...which he is*.....You mean you JUST figured that out?

Maria: *gives him an "I don't really hate you" look, which no one else notices, because...well, most people just don't see those things*

Harris: *smiles at her*

Maria: *smiles back*

Mayor: Well, I guess that means we have an open seat. Anyone want to join? You have a chance to become the next (well, actually the first) Harvest Millionaire!

Squeaky High-Pitched Voice(s): We'd like to play, Regis! I mean, Mayor!

Mayor: Who was that?

SH-PV(s): *three short little green dudes wearing little red suits step out in front of the Mayor*

SH-PV1: Hello! We are the Harvest Sprites a.k.a. the Kiefu Fairies.

SH-PV2: *whispers to #1* I don't like being called a fairy. I'm a boy.

SH-PV1: *to #2* Shhh! Don't worry about that, just say your line.

SH-PV2: *to #1* Oh, ok. *to the Mayor* We have come all the way from the cave deep inside Moon Mountain.

SH-PV3: *stares up innocently at the mayor*

SH-PV1&2: *bonk SH-PV3 over the head*

SH-PV3: Oh! Umm, yeah, and we'd like to participate in your game. What was it that you win again?

Mayor: Wait, you all want to play?

SH-PV1,2&3: Yes.

Mayor: Well, that's great! We now have our tenth, err twelfth contestant(s) on the show!

*the Harvest Sprites go and sit down: #1 on the chair, #2 sitting on #1's shoulders, and #3 balancing on #2's head with one hand (somehow managing not to crush his little pointy hat), supposed to win if you got all the questions right.*

Mayor: Ok, so we can finally get started? Are there any more interruptions anyone wants to make?

Kai: *in the audience, jumps up and screams as loud as he can* Arid land's better because the roots go down deeper for nutrients. The plants root firmly in the harsh environment and bear lots of fruit...I want to be like that!!! *sits back down*

Mayor: ...Ok.  You just do that. Is that all? No more interruptions? Ok then, let's get started with.....Who WANTS to be a Harvest Millionaire!

*Music plays and lights flash around for a few seconds, then stop*

Mayor: The first fastest-finger question is this.

Put the following shops in order from left to right, coming OUT of the entrance to Jack's farm.

A. Florist Lillia  B. Craftsman (house extensions) C. Green Ranch D. Rick's Toolshop... *20 seconds pass*  The answer is this: C, D, A, B.

And the results are: *Shown on Jack's TV which they borrowed earlier* 

(X means they got it wrong or ran out of time)

Jack: X             Gray: 2.1

Potion Guy: 7.001        Maria: X

Rick: X              Baker: X

Lillia: X             Cliff: 10.5

Karen: 12.25                Harvest Sprites: 5.7

Mayor: And the winner is...Gray!

Jack: *jumps up looking upset* How could I miss it? It's my own farm! It was rigged I bet!

Karen: *smirks at him*

Gray: *looks a little surprised(just a little) but more just like he's bored and wishes he were somewhere else. *stands up, walks over and sits in the "hot seat"*

Mayor: Congratulations! Why don't you tell us a little about yourself.

Gray: ... *glares at the Mayor*

Mayor: Well?

Gray: My name is Gray.

Mayor: Yes. Yes it is. ...do you have any interests?

Gray: I like animals.

Mayor: Do you? That's nice. What about hobbies? What do you do for fun?

Gray: *looks at him with an expression that says "Fun? What's that? I've never heard of this "fun" that you speak of..."*

I used to race horses. Not anymore.

Mayor: Oh, that's too bad. Anything else you want to say?

Gray: ...

Mayor: Ok then! Why don't we get started.

Gray: ...

Mayor: You don't talk much, do you, Sonny?

Gray: ... *looking like he resents being called that*

Mayor: Ok. Your first question is this:

*once again, this is being shown on Jack's TV screen...as all the questions will be, unless something happens to it...*

Which of the following is NOT a boy?

A. Potion Guy B. Karen C. Cliff D. Bakery Dude

Gray: Easy. D.

Bakery Dude & Karen: *at the same time* WHAT?!

Karen: *runs over and starts to clobber Gray*

Bakery Dude: *looks around nervously, tapping the tips of his fingers together* What did you say? I'm not a girl! Just because I like to have sex with men doesn't mean--Uh, crap! Did I just say that out loud? *hides under his chair*

Mayor: It's ok, Bakery Dude. We all knew your "secret" already.

Bakery Dude: *looks relieved...then immediately suspicious. Who had told his secret? He looked around slowly at all of his "special friends": The craftsman and his helpers...Lillia's husband...the preacher...the bartender (who is his uncle)...even the Mayor himself. He must have been the one who told! But that would have to be dealt with later*

Mayor: So, Gray, is that your final answer?

Gray: *his clothes are all ripped up, he lost his hat, his face is all covered with scratches, and he has a black eye, by the time Karen is done with him* Is it too late to change it? Err, make that B.

Mayor: Oh, I'm so sorry Gray....you had to go to all the trouble to enter, had to hike all the way up here from Green Ranch, had to suffer a beating from Karen - *Karen winks at Gray*  - and all just to...GET THE QUESTION RIGHT!!!!!

*everyone in the audience cheers*

Gray: So what do I win? *looks tired*

Mayor: You win a month's supply of *considering options: fodder... lumber...* Porno magazines!

Gray: *blushes deep red, eyes widen*

*suddenly a girl's voice is heard calling for Gray*

Gray: *gets up to see who it is*

Ann: Gray! I finally found you! You have to come quick, it's an emergency! *looks really scared*

Audience: *gasps in unison*

Gray: *looking alarmed* Ann! What is it Ann?

Audience: *everyone looks for someone else to hold on to, while Bakery Dude looks for someone's...you-know-what to hold on to*

Ann: *almost crying now* I'm so scared! Gray! One of the cows is sick! *wails and collapses in her brother's arms*

Jack: *smothers a laugh and rolls his eyes* Oh, is THAT all? Who cares, just let it die. **(2)** That's what I do to my cows. Wait, maybe that's why the entire Green family hates me so much...

Gray: *ignoring Jack* Did you give it any medicine from Dad's shop?

Ann: He wasn't there, and there were too many kinds, I didn't know which one to give it, and I didn't want to give it the wrong thing and make it more sick!

Gray: It's ok. You did the right thing in coming to get me. I'll go with you and make sure you give it the right kind. Then you'll know for next time, 'kay? *both start to run out of the square*

Mayor: WAIT! You forgot your prize! *throws the naughty magazines after him*

Karen: *grins evilly at Gray*

Ann: *one of the magazines lands on her head open. She slowly pulls it away, examining the picture* Gray...what are these? And why is Karen smiling at you like that?

Gray: *blushing more than was ever thought possible* Uhh...I'll explain it later. We've go to save that cow! *they both run out of the Square, leaving the magazines behind on the ground*

Bakery Dude: *runs over and gathers them into a pile, walks back to his seat with the stack under his arm looking around to see if anyone had seen him...which of course everyone had*

***

Mayor: *regains his composure (which had been ripped to pieces and scattered about the Square)*

Well, how abouts we choose another contestant to try and be a Harvest Millionaire! Ok, the next fastest-finger question is this:

Put the following fruits in order of how many...pieces they have each.

A. Veryberry B. Tropical Fruit C. Strawberry D. Tomato

*20 seconds* Results are in!

Jack: X             Potion Guy: 14.5

Maria: X            Bakery Dude: X

Rick: X             Lillia: 7.005

Cliff: 19.9         Karen: 0.001

Harvest sprites: 10.0

Mayor: Lots of 0 and 9. Well, the winner is Karen! How did you manage to do it so fast?

Karen: *looking nervous...and like she wants to beat someone else up* I guess I just know my berries. Yeah, 'cause I wasn't cheatin' or anything... *glances from side to side*

Mayor: Sure you weren't.

Karen: *sits in the hot seat, smiles at audience*

Mayor: So, what are your interests, Miss?

Karen: I really love to get so drunk that I can't remember anything the next day and give lap dances to people I don't even know, including girls!

*audience gasps and everyone starts whispering to everyone else*

Karen: Just kidding, of course. *does Cheshire Cat grin, where every part of her disappears except her mouth, which kinda freaks everyone out*

Mayor: Ah, right. So, tell us what you're really like.

Karen: I love to make wine, I love to drink wine, basically I love anything that has to do with wine. I sometimes like to climb up the mountain and gather berries (to make wine of course).

Craftsman: Yeah, and sometimes I like to watch you outside the window of my house and jack off....ahh, memories...

Karen: *looks disturbed for a second, then quickly resumes grinning* Also, I like to hang out at the beach and watch the ocean, wishing I didn't live in this little shithole named Flower Bud Village.

Audience: *gasps in unison; no one had ever said such a bad word in FBV before. And she was talking about their town! That deserved a beating! But, since no one offered to beat Karen, instead she continued grinning and talking*

Karen: Oh! And it was so funny... One time I put up a sign by the entrance that said NUDE and had an arrow pointing to the beach. Well, I was just sitting there (fully clothed, of course) when Jack comes running down the hill, _totally butt naked_. Well, he dove into the water and swam around for a few minutes, then screamed really _loud_ and _girly-like_. He ran out of the water, covering himself "there", and yelling "GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME PLEASE NOW!" He removed his hands and I saw what he had been trying to hide....his _wee-wee_ was the size of a _peanut_!

Audience: *gasps, then begins to laugh and point at Jack, who still can't quite believe Karen was telling them all about THAT day*

Karen: I mean, I'm serious! It was like not even an inch long! HAHAhahaAHHAHA!!!!!!! Oh wait, that wasn't even really part of the story. Anyways, he runs out of the water crying like a baby, and removes his hands to show.....Jack has crabs! Oh wait, I mean, he actually had a crab hanging off his peanut-dick. So, he's trying to get me to take it off him, and I'm like, "No way, dude! I'm not going to touch you there! I don't like you in that way..." And then I just left him there. Yeah, that was funny.

Jack: *totally freaking out* That NEVER HAPPENED, Karen! *yells as loud as he can as Karen, trying not to blush but failing. Also, feeling the pain (more than just physical) of his crab-bitten dick*

Karen: *grinning so horribly now that Kent, Stu and May begin crying because they're scared of her* Oh yes it did! Hey, by the way, did you ever get it off?

Jack: *realizing that he can't deny it ant longer, mutters* No. *louder* No, I never removed it. *yanks off his pants to reveal underpants that have "Hot Stuff" written all over them, with arrows pointing to "that" area* Oops, not quite right. *yanks off the underpants to reveal...a crap. And not much else*

Kent: *who has just recovered himself enough to look, walks forward and examines it* Well, I see a crab...but where's the rest of it?

Jack: *pointing* It's right there, don't you see it?

Kent: Uhh, no.

Jack: Oh well... *puts his pants back on* Maybe I'll just have to show you another time.

Kent: Err, umm, uhh... *turns and runs away as fast as he can*

Stu: *runs after him* It's ok, brother! Just think holy religious thoughts! *both run into the church and begin confessing*

(At the Church)

Kent: ...and one time, I really DID steal the cookies from the cookie jar!

Stu: No shit, Kent! Was that really you?

Kent: *singing the song* Who, me?

Stu: Yes, you! 

Kent: Couldn't be!

Stu: Then who?

Kent: STUART stole the cookies from the cookie jar!

(This continues back and forth for a while. Meanwhile, back at the Square...)

Mayor: Well, that was entirely off topic. Karen, are you ready to play to be a Harvest Millionaire?

Karen: As long as Jack promises to never take his pants off in front of me again.

Jack: *wonders if there is any deep dark little secret about Karen he could expose to the entire village. There isn't, of course...Karen is "practically perfect, in every way." So, he immediately decides to make something up, then expose it later on in the show*

Mayor: Which of the following is not and animal? 

A. Jack B. Jack's Dog C. Jack's House D. Jack's Horse

Karen: That's a tough one... I think I'm going to need a lifeline.

Mayor: Ok, you have Ask the Audience, 50/50 or Phone a Friend.

Karen: I think I'd like to use my Phone a Friend.

Mayor: Ok, who would you like to call?

Karen: Jack. I think he'd know the most about Jack's dog, Jacks house, etc.

Mayor: Ok, Flower Bud Phone Company will get him on the line. That's amazing though, since no one in this village owns a phone either.

Karen: That's all right, I can call him myself. * makes her hand into a "phone" with the thumb and pinky sticking out, yells* Yo, Jack! Get on the line! Ring ring ring!

Jack: *looks around* Now who brought a cell phone to this? I thought you were supposed to turn those kinds of things off!

Bar Dude (related to Bakery Dude): You idiot! It's for you!

30 Jack: Oh! *answers his own hand-phone* *Mayor begins counting down*

25 Karen: Well, you already know the question-

21 Jack: Actually, I don't. I wasn't really listening.

17 Karen: Well, that's not important. So tell me what the answer is.

14 Jack: Hold on, let me go check.

Mayor: *continues counting down until clock reaches 0* Oh dear, I'm sorry! It appears you've run out of time, Karen.

Karen: *glares at him and holds up fist; says slowly* I'll TELL you when I've run out of time!

Jack: *returns several hours later* Well, since I didn't know what the question was in the first place, I didn't know where to look for the answer. So I just went home and checked on my cows.

Karen: *looks interested* And how are they?

Jack: Well, I had four to start out with, but two were dead when I got home. One is sick, another one is pregnant. **(2.5)**

Audience: *everyone looks at the Bakery Dude*

Bakery Dude: What?! I didn't fuck Jack's cow! Err, umm...

Audience: Sure you didn't.

Jack: Then who did?

Karen: That's not important. It was probably Kai. I heard he had some animal fetish, don't know what that's about. So what's the answer, Jack?

Jack: I don't know. I forgot the question.

Karen: ...So did I. Let's ask the Mayor.

Everyone: *surprised to see that the Mayor has vanished*

*silence*

Bakery Dude: Maybe he ran away because he was embarrassed for fucking Jack's cow!

Audience: *gives him a "you're not fooling anyone" look*

Bakery Dude: I did not fuck Jack's cow! Why don't you believe me? 

Audience: Because we know you're lying.

Bakery Dude: Oh. *gives up...for now*

Jack: Oh yeah, and my chickens blew away in the hurricane last week. **(2.7?)**

Audience: Aww...

Karen: So what's the answer?!

Jack: I don't know! Uhh...C!

Karen: And we'll never know the answer, because the Mayor disappeared.

Mayor: Here I am!

Audience: Where were you?

Mayor: I was just, uh, going to "buy something" from the Bakery Dude. Yeah, that's it. Nothing else. Oh yeah, but he wasn't there. So I came back here. And Karen, you got it right! You now win-

Karen: Wait! Don't I have to answer some more questions? On the real show, they have to answer like 15 questions before they get a million dollars. Not that I've, like, been over to Jack's house to watch it or anything...

Mayor: Well, this isn't the regular millionaire show, this is Who Wants to be a Harvest Millionaire. And, we all know about you sneaking over to Jack's house late at night. It's not a secret.

Karen: It isn't? Gosh, that's strange... I wonder who told.

Mayor: In Who Wants to be a Harvest Millionaire, you have to answer however many questions I want you to, and I get to choose your prize.

Karen: ...Oh.

Mayor: And you have answered enough questions for now...go sit down.

Karen: But don't I get a prize? Even if you choose it?

Mayor: No. You just HAD to ask questions. So now you get nothing. Sit.

Karen: Well, ok...I guess. *sits*

Mayor: So, we need a new contestant. The next fastest-finger is this: Put the following items in order from least to greatest for the amount they sell for. A. turnip  B. veryberry  C. Jack  D. Jack's Cow

The answer is: C, D, B, A.

Jack: X        Potion Guy: 13.5

Maria: 10.8    Rick: X

Bakery Dude: X Lillia:

Cliff: 5.1     Harvest Sprites:5.0

And the winner is...the Harvest Sprites.

Harvest Sprites: *together* Yay! *begin jumping up and down and dancing*

Mayor: Why don't you come and sit up here?

Harvest Sprites: *#1 sits in the chair. #2 and #3 both balance on one finger on his shoulders*

Mayor: Are you sure that's going to be comfortable? You might be up here a while...

Harvest Sprites: *grin at him* We'll be fine.

Mayor: *looking nervous* ...Ok then.

Karen: *Is pissed at the mayor for not giving her a prize, pissed at the Harvest Sprites because they can freak people out with their grins better than she can*

Mayor: Your first question is this. Which of the following people has Bakery Dude screwed the most times? A. Craftsman and helpers B. Bartender C. Lillia's husband (what was his name again?) D. Me

Bakery Dude: HOW DID YOU NOW?!?! Those are all my "favorites." Even I don't know how many times I've screwed all of them!

Mayor: Well, someone must, because I have the answer right here.

Bakery Dude: Umm, I mean, uhh, entirely disregard what I said back there. I've never screwed any of those people!

Audience: *sighs, they are getting tired of Bakery Dude continually denying what he obviously did*

Mayor: So, Harvest Sprites, do you have and answer?

Harvest Sprite #1: Actually, we don't like to pry into other people's personal lives. It's not our "thing."

Harvest Sprite #2: Yes, we're not "into" that, if you know what we mean. *winks at the mayor*

Harvest Sprite#3: So, if you're "down" with it, we'd like you to ask us a different question.

Mayor: No, you may not have another question.

Harvest Sprites: We refuse to answer that!

Mayor: Well then, I guess about the Bakery Dude, you're fucked!

Jack: *laughs **loudly** at the ironic wording*

Mayor: So get the hell off my stage!

Harvest Sprites: *scurry off the "stage" and back to their cave in the mountain*

Mayor: K, we need a new contestant. Dammit! This show sucks! It's getting really boring.

Audience: Fuck yeah it is!

Mayor: Ok, then, I'll just choose the next player.

Audience: Ok, Mr. Mayor!

Mayor: No shit, if you ever call me that again... *smiles about his "little secret"*

Bakery Dude: *smiles about his own "little secret"*

Jack: Hey, that's not fair! 'Cause of course you're not going to pick me!

Mayor: Jack, get your ass up here!

Jack: ... *walks up and sits in the seat* Do you want me to tell about myself? 'Cause I can, you know. I could go on for hours. I'm my favorite person to talk about! *flashes his million-dollar (haha) smile at the audience*

Karen: *grins back at him*

Both: *begin laughing evilly*

Mayor: NO! Do not start talking about yourself! Just answer the f-ing question.

Jack: What question?

Mayor: Godammit! The one I'm about to ask!

Jack: Umm, ok.

Mayor: *stares blankly*

Jack: What is the question?

Mayor: ...I don't remember.

Jack: Err, ok. I'll ask my own question: It's something I've been wondering about for a while. What the hell is really up with the Bakery Dude?

Mayor: I'm sorry, I really don't know.

Jack: Yes you do! Of course you do! How could you not know? *begins to feel all his carefully worked out (uh, right) plans falling apart* Dammit! Tell me! *strangles the Mayor*

Mayor: Ow! Get your fucking hands off me, Jack! I don't like you in "that way."

Jack: Well then who do you like in "that way"?

Mayor" ...I don't like anyone in "that way."

Mayor's Wife: *stands up in the audience* You asshole! I knew you were lying about our marriage the whole time! You just married me for the money!

Mayor: But, I have all the money.

Mayor's Wife: ......shit! *sits back down and smiles sweetly at the mayor*

Mayor: That was...odd. So, back to the question. I seriously think the answer's C. Do ask why, I just have a feeling it is.

Jack: Ok then! I say the answer's C!

Mayor: *checks his little card that has all the answers on it* No, I'm sorry, the answer is B. You lose!

Jack: ...! But I can't lose! I'm the star! Without me there would be no game!

Mayor: I'm sorry, you lost. Please move along now so we can pick another contest. Damn, is anyone going to win the million dollars? Oh yeah, and I'm not really sorry for you.

Jack: Fuck you! *jumps up and runs over to Karen crying like a baby. They both leave the square plotting revenge against the mayor*

Karen: *whispering to Jack* ...So then you take the glue and the feathers and put them in the... *they walk down the steps*

Mayor: *looks at the remaining contestants (Potion Guy, Maria, Rick, Lillia, Cliff...)* Where is the Bakery Dude? *everyone looks around*

Bakery Dude: *walks into the square, holding a loaf of bread* Here, Mayor, I brought this for you. *hands Mayor the bread*

Mayor: Well, wasn't that nice. Wait, what's this stuff all over it? *gives it back to the Bakery Dude*

Bakery Dude: *examining it* Well, I don't- *suddenly remembers that day, when the Potion Shop Guy had come in to buy a cake for Stuart's birthday, but the shop had been out of frosting. So Bakery Dude took Potion Guy to the back room to make some...and while they were there, they got a little carried away. Bakery Dude wanted to show Potion Guy a great new technique for frosting cakes...things got a little **messy**, _IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN_.* Nevermind you don't have to take it if you don't want to. I'll just give it to the Potion Shop Dealer, if you don't mind... *hands it to Potion Guy with a wink*

Potion Shop Guy: *winks back and eats it in one bite*

Audience: *begins to feel ill, but doesn't have time, as the Mayor is moving the show along*

Mayor: Mmmkay. The next question is this. Put the following shops in order of how late they stay open. A. Library B. Green Ranch C. Flower Shop D. .........Bakery

And the winners are:

Maria: 7.1 Potion Guy: 10.5

Rick: 5    Bakery Dude:10.9

Lillia: 6  Cliff: 2.15

Wow, you all got it right!

Maria: *stands up* Well, logically, since those stores all close at the same time, it wouldn't matter what order you pushed the buttons in, you'd still get the question right.

Mayor: Shut up! Nowhere in the script does it say that you have any lines, Maria!

Maria: Oh, I'm sorry... *sits back down, looking embarrassed*

Bakery Dude: Script? What script?! I WAS NOT NOTIFIED OF ANY SCRIPT!

Mayor: That's because there isn't one. I just didn't want Maria to be stealing all the attention that's supposed to be on me! *points to himself, and like magic all the audience's eyes are immediately on him*

Cliff! Why the hell aren't you in this chair yet?

Cliff: *walks up to the seat in his own "special way" causing all the girls to swoon...except Elli, who's still drooling over the Bakery Dude. Apparently she's the only one in the entire town hasn't guessed about his "secret" yet. Or maybe she's a fan of (cough) ...threesomes.*

Mayor: Ok, no one really cares about anything you have to say about yourself, 'cause...let's face it. You're really not a very important character in the game. The only reason we even invited you to be on the show was because it was either you or that scary Artisan Person, who only talks about weather and "life's priorities" and other weird shit like that. So, don't be acting like you're special or anything.

Cliff: Ok. I wasn't you know.

Mayor: Good. So, what prize would you most like to win?

Cliff: I thought I wasn't allowed to offer my opinion on anything.

Mayor: Well, you can answer that question at least.

Cliff: No. I don't want to. I don't even really want to be on you lame-ass show.

Mayor: Too bad. Contracts were signed, promises were made. You've got no choice. 

Cliff: I don't remember signing any contracts.

Mayor: Well, I'm sure you did.

Cliff: ...Whatever. Let's get this over with.

Mayor: Your first question is this. Who is the coolest character in the game? A. Me B. Jack C. The Artisan Person D. Cliff

Cliff: Isn't that an opinion question?

Mayor: No, there is an actual answer. You have 20 seconds.

Cliff: ...Since when is this game timed, besides in the phone-a-friend?

Mayor: Since I decided to make it be. 10 seconds.

Cliff: Uhh...

Mayor: 8

Cliff: Umm...

Mayor: 5

Cliff: Err...

Mayor: 2

Cliff: ...B!

Mayor: *stares at him* ...You fuckin' idiot! You realize you just picked Jack, right?

Cliff: No, I hadn't realized that.

Mayor: Do you want to change it?

Cliff: Nah, that's not necessary.

Mayor: So you want to go with Jack?

Cliff: ...go **where** with Jack?

Mayor: What is your final answer?

Cliff: You're the one that's supposed to know everything.

Mayor: You final answer is B then. Goodbye, you lose.

Cliff: But you didn't even check the card.

Mayor: You're right, I didn't. Now please go away. *shoos Cliff away*

Cliff: *snatches the card away* Hey! It says the correct answer is B! I was right! *does his happy dance*

Audience: *all are dying to know, since he has the card...* What is the real deal with the bakery Dude?!?!

Cliff: *checks card again* The Bakery Dude likes to make cakes and pies with his own "special filling." Eww. His uncle works at the bar. He's 28 years old and not married -

Elli and Potion Shop Guy: *both stand up and shout* Bakery Dude, will you marry me???

Bakery Dude: Yes!

Pastor Person: *comes over from another part of the audience, holds up his Bible and yells* I now pronounce you husband, husband and wife! *sets himself on fire and runs out of the square giggling*

Audience: *applauds*

Bakery Dude, Potion Guy and Elli: *bow and walk out of the square* (Elli:) Time for the honeymoon!

Mayor: Err, that was odd...

Cliff: Honestly, what on this show hasn't been? Anyways, what do I win?

Mayor: You get this informative field guide to the plants and animals of Moon Mountain, generously donated by my daughter Maria at the library.

Cliff: But I've been wandering around there for weeks. I know all there is to know about that place!

Mayor: You get this or you get nothing. Take it of leave it. *throws the book at Cliff*

Cliff: *catches it and opens to the "J" section* That's odd, there's a section about Jack in here.

Audience: Read it! Read it!

Cliff: "Jack is, or at least was at one time, and human being. He has absolutely no sensitivity or caring, as his soul left his body at a young age. Jack can be found wandering around Moon Mountain looking for berries to give to Karen, who he has a huge crush on. It is recommended that if you spot Jack you should run away, hide, or as a last defense play dead like you would if you saw a bear. As soon as you have escaped the situation, you should alert the authorities as soon as possible, and they will relocate him to an area where he is not as dangerous to the villagers. Notes: When Jack is cornered, he can become hostile and violent. He might also be rabid." That's all.

Audience: ...That was ok, it was boring. Let's get on with the game.

Mayor: Ok, whatever. Who wants to be the next Harvest Millionaire? *sounding really bored*

Rick: How about me?

Everyone: NO!

Stu: Can I be it? *Kent and Stu have both retuned after finally figuring out that May must've stolen the cookies from the cookie jar*

Kent: Hey Stu, I thought we agreed that I would be it.

Stu: No, we said I would be!

Kent: Dammit Stu, I'm tired of you doing this to me!

Stu: Kent, you know what you deserve?

Kent: What Stu, what is it?

Stu: You deserve to be...... Ahhh, I can't say it! *whispers in Kent's ear behind his hand*

Kent: *gasps*

Audience: *watches*

Kent: *slaps Stu across the face* You fucker! I can't believe you're my brother! *runs away...again*

Stu: Heh heh heh, now I get to be it! *sits in chair*

Mayor: Says who?

Potion Guy: I do! *appears in the branches of a tree nearby*

mayor: Does anyone second it?

Audience: *silence*

Mayor: Well, ok then. You can't be it, Stuart. No one wants you to be. I guess they don't like you or something...

Stu: *begins crying*

Audience: Actually, we just want to go home. This show is getting like, really lame.

Mayor: Well then, fuck you! Fuck all of you!

Bakery Dude: *head pops out of a nearby bush* You won't be the first, Mayor! I already have!

Mayor: ..... Anyways, Stu, your first question is this. Who **really did** steal the cookies from the cookie jar?

A. Kent  B. Stu  C. Bakery Dude?!  D. Me

Stu: Oh, so it wasn't May? Gosh, I wonder who it could have been then. I guess I need a lifeline.

Mayor: Ok then, which one would you like to use, Stuart?

Stu: Don't call me that. Ask the audience.

Mayor: *turns to the audience and shouts* What lifeline would Stuart like to use?

Audience: Ask the audience!!!

Mayor: You are the audience!!!

Everyone: *stares at the mayor, who's being an idiot*

Mayor: Oh, ok. What's the answer then? *a few seconds pass* Time's up! 2% think it was Kent. 2% think it was Stu. Potion Guy *still in the tree* seems to think it was Bakery Dude (maybe he knows something we don't...*wink*). 1% thinks I did it. I am shocked, really shocked that you would accuse me of that! ...And an alarming 95% thinks Jack stole the cookies from the cookie jar!

*at this point, several things happen all at once*

Potion Guy: *falls out of the tree, breaks his neck, and dies instantly upon hitting the ground*

Jack: *walks into the square holding a big (empty) jar that says "cookies", his mouth full and face covered with crumbs* Hey now, don't be accusing me of shit I didn't do! I bought these from Bakery Dude!

Karen: *screams* Now!! *pushes "magic button" and a bucket of glue falls on the mayor. She then runs over and begins sticking feathers on him*

Bakery Dude: *sees jar before Jack begins talking* No, Jack! Those are my "special" cookies!!!

*end instantaneous event sequence*

Bakery Dude: *does a slow motion dive and knocks the jar out of Jack's hand...too late*

Jack: *begins hallucinating* Whoa...this is cool! I see penguins! Hello there, little penguin.

Audience: *realizes that it's not just Jack, everyone is seeing holographic penguins*

Rick: Oh no! We're being invaded! By penguins!

Small group of penguins: *begin to steal Jack's sanity, one by one*

Jack: Wow, this feels weird.

Large group of penguins: *continue stealing Jack's sanity, piece by piece*

Jack: I feel kinda...insane!

Small army of penguins: *finish stealing Jack's sanity. (There wasn't much of begin with.)*

Jack: I think I wanna...do this! *begins bouncing off walls, rolling on the ground, making strange sounds like...an insane person*

Barrel o' Penguins: *start to fly away...yes, fly*

Audience: That was cool! This show isn't so lame anymore!

Penguin Leaders: *only ones left* Thank you for allowing us to steal Jack's sanity.

Ducks (the penguin god): It really was helpful in our quest for world domination. *all fly away*

Stu: That was cool! I don't want to win a million dollars, I want to win a million cookies that make you see sanity-stealing penguins!

Bakery Dude: That's no problem, Stu! I can make you some right now. *takes Stu's hand and they walk out of the square together...but not before Bakery Dude winks at everyone over his shoulder*

Mayor: I wonder if he'll be ok alone with the Bakery Dude...?

Kent: *Reappears from nowhere...weird how people keep doing that* I think he'll be fine. *disappears*

Mayor: Where the hell did he go? Dammit, why is all this weird shit happening?

Little Dude that lives in the fisherman's pond and looks like a platypus: *appears suddenly, hovering over the Mayor's head* Because today is just a weird shit happening day. Anyone got any fish?

Crafts man: Here, I have some. *gives a "big fish" to LDTLITFPALLAP*

LDTLITFPALLAP: *eats the fish in one bite*

Craftsman: So, you wanna come back to my place? I'll, uhh, give you some more fish or something...

LDTLITFPALLAP: Sure! That'd be great! *takes Craftsman's hand, and they both disappear in a twinkle of.....sparkly stuff*

Mayor: Do you think we should tell LDTLITFPALLAP about the Craftsman's, uhh, "problem"? About his **criminal record**, you know?

A few random people: Nah, no one likes LDTLITFPALLAP.

Jack: *stops bouncing off the walls* Hey! My sanity returned! Well, some of it at least. Where the hell am I? And WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PENGUINS?!?! *begins screaming incoherently about penguins...much as the author has been known to do (occasionally)*

Mayor: Does anyone want to win the million dollars? Aww, fuck it. You can just have it. *throws the million dollars in the air, then everyone runs over and tries to grab some of it*

Everyone: Oooh! Money! Gimme money!

Author: *begins laughing like an idiot at the stupendously stupid **(3)** turn the story has taken*

Mayor: *goes home, still covered with feathers*

Jack: *tries to fly after the penguins* Ducks! (penguin god) Wait for me, my friends!

Karen: Hey, Jack! You wanna go to the top of Moon Mountain and wait for the end of the world with me?

Jack: *looks longingly after the penguins* But...they were my...friends...

Karen: Face it, Jack. You've never had friends; you never will.

Jack: Oh, well, in that case, I'd love to wait out the end of the world with you, Karen. *both walk out of the Square*

Cliff: Dude, this is screwy. *He and a few more people leave*

Audience: *satisfied that everyone got to take home a little piece of "millionaire history", all leave*

Remaining Millionaire Contestants: *pissed that Mayor gave all their money away, decide to go over and beat him up...even Maria*

Saibara (the freaky artisan dude): *suddenly realizes...he's not in Kansas anymore*

Author: *cannot believe she just put such a hideously dumb line in her story. Considers taking it out, but realizes...she wrote **(4)** in pen, stupid! *

Everyone Else: *leaves, till just Bakery Dude and Elli are left*

Bakery Dude: I never really loved you, you know. I just married you to get to Potion Guy. But now that he's dead, I just don't know what to do...

Elli: What about all the "others"? I thought there were like, hundreds...

Bakery Dude: Well, yeah, there were. But Potion Guy was the only one I really loved.

Elli: Bakery Dude, I want a divorce.

Bakery Dude: Ok, fine with me. You could never be as good as Potion Guy anyway. You know what I mean. *winks*

Elli: I just realized...I'm really in love with Jack! *runs away giggling*

Author: *wonders if she should have a "shadowy figure" come out and kill Elli, but decides not to...let's just see what happens*

@ = Singing

" " = Speaking

Bakery Dude: *begins singing a sad lonely song* @Oh Potion Guy, you were really cool and stuff... Now you're like dead.@ "Dammit, I better win an award for this!" @I won't get to umm....you know....do stuff...@ "Ok, enough song!" @With you...Potion Guy.@ *gathers up Potion Guy's corpse and carries it away, still singing softly to it*

Ann's Dad: *crawls out of the bushes in the now-deserted Square (and is on some kind of crazy mind-altering drug)* Everyone was wondering who it was that exposed all their secrets...it was me! Ha ha ha! *begins laughing maniacally*

Author: *once again considers having a shadowy figure come out and kill Ann's Dad...then remembers that HE IS the shadowy figure* Aww, dammit!

Ann's Dad: *keeps laughing crazily, until he runs out of air, chokes, turns all blue, and dies*

Author: All part of my master plan! *rubbing her hands together in an Evil Genius sort of way*

Elli: *wanders around Moon Mountain, looking for Jack*

Jack: *wanders around Moon Mountain, wondering how he got here and why he came...* Huh, I wonder where Karen went. *eventually walks into a bush and becomes stuck* Aww, crap!

Elli: *wandering around until she comes to the same bush jack is in...for some reason he's not wearing any pants (what can I say, he does weird shit), she gets a full view of his ass* I guess that's why they call it "Moon" Mountain! HAHAHA!

Author: *is trying to smother her laughter, so the teacher doesn't come over and ask her to read her "story" in front of the class*

Jack: *struggles to get out of the bush* Elli! Help me!

Elli:*can't stop laughing* Fuck that, I'm leaving you!

Karen: *walks up with a bottle of wine. Sees Elli looking at Jack's ass and thinks they were "doing things"* Elli, you bitch! What the hell are you doing with Jack?

Elli: *says between fits of giggles* Jack is...he got stuck...what an idi-ha!ha!ha!-ot...you moron! Loser! HA!

Karen: *figures out what happened and starts laughing*

Both: *start drinking the wine, get really drunk and keep pointing and laughing at Jack*

Kai: *late at night, sneaks into Jack's barn where the cows are* Hey there, Bessie. Or whatever your name is. Come here. *begins doing **strange things** to the cow's rear end*

Bessie (or whatever its name is): Mooooo! *tries to get away*

Kai: *finishes his questionable (and probably illegal) actions* There...you're happy now, right? So am I. That was fun, right?

Bessie: Sure, assfucker. Whatever you say.

Kai: *walks out...with his nice full bottle of "milk" for Karen's birthday cake*

"Bessie": You realize I'm a **boy** cow, right?

Bakery Dude: *takes the body of Potion Guy, puts a pink flowery dress on it, and puts a bunch of freaky-looking makeup on it, then goes to Jack's house and hangs it inside the doorway*

Kai: *comes out of Jack's barn and looks around guiltily* Oh, I forgot to zip my pants. *zips them* Good evening, Bakery Dude. Nice night for a walk, eh?

Bakery Dude: *little stars appear in his eyes* Kai! It was you all along! The one I'm **truly in love with**! *grabs Kai's hand and they both run into Jack's house*

Kai: *confused mutter* *loud zzzzziiiipp!* ...Bakery Dude, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Later on, after some more crap happened, "most people" went to bed. Karen and Elli eventually get bored with laughing at Jack, and pass out at the top of Moon Mountain. Jack gets out of the bush with the help of LDTLITFPALLAP.

The Next Day:

Jack: Thank you for helping me, LDTLITFPALLAP. I think I'll go home now. Good bye! *runs down Moon Mountain, past the intersection, and into his farm*

Kai: *raises his head from what he was doing* Bakery Dude, I think I just heard something outside. Hey--Ow! What are you... Bakery Dude, that is my FOOT!

Jack: *opens the door, and at the same time, Potion Guy's corpse, which is starting to rot a bit, swings down and knocks him over* Oh my (penguin) god! He's not dead yet! *begins hacking at it with his axe*

Bakery Dude: *comes out of the kitchen partially dressed, followed by Kai* Jack! It's not what it looks like! See, we were just making these socks...

Jack: What are you doing in my house? What's going on? *takes a step toward bakery Dude*

Bakery Dude: *takes a step back, trips over something, and falls on it, crushing it beyond recognizability*

Jack: My Mysterious Turtle Figurine! You killed it! Is nothing sacred anymore? Get out of here, and take your goddamn socks with you!

Bakery Dude: *suddenly realizes his goddamn sock is _all_ he's wearing* Oh shit! Bye, Jack! *Kai and Bakery Dude run away, covering themselves*

Jack: *is at a loss about what to do with Potion Guy's corpse, but eventually disposes of it by feeding it to his cows* Didn't have and money for hay anyway.

Aftershit:

Author: So now that all, or most of, (ok, _some of_) the conflicts in the story have been dealt with, the entire Harvest Moon Gang can now live fuckedly ever after. Just like they would have, even if I hadn't used my entire notebook (except like 6 pages) to write down their little adventures.

Rick: You know, I only got like two lines.

Mayor: Yeah, no one gives a fuck anyway.

Author, Mayor, and a bunch of other people: *chase after Rick with a gigantic can of [you fill in the blank here]* 

Author: The fucking end! **(5)**

Little voice heard advertising stuff while the end credits are rolling: I'm sure you enjoyed this humorous, and somewhat disturbing, HM story! Be on the look-out for the next one, Harvest Moon Survivor! Promising even more scandals, lies, and exchange of partners than the last one! **(6)**

**Index of Footnotes** (because there sure seemed to be a lot of them)**:**

(1) - No, really, there isn't one.

(2) - The Authoress does not support or encourage cruelty towards animals, just so you know. It's just a joke.

(2.5) - Nor does the Authoress support BUM-FUCKING your cows. That's just sick.

(2.7?) - Which is why you should always put them in the barn! Or on the roof…

(3) - Alliteration! Mr. Parker (my English teacher) would be proud.

(4) - Yes, I actually **wrote** this whole story down. God damn, what a waste of time!

(5) - ZzZzZz... (asleep)

(6) - No, seriously! Ha ha ha! Fuckin' shit, it's really done!

AN3: Remember, flames keep me warm during the cold Alaska winters that I have to suffer through. And you could always e-mail me, just for the fun of it. I've gotten reviews, yes, but only once have I ever gotten an e-mail regarding fanfiction, and that was a long time ago, and I just think it'd be…cool. To get another one. Or **ones**. It doesn't even have to be about anything. Random babbling e-mails are much more interesting than things that actually make sense anyway.

Flames, marriage proposals, hate mail to: the_antiprep_@hotmail.com

Subscriptions (to what?), pathetic attempts to escape (from what?): the_antiprep_@hotmail.com

(Go on! Make the poor little authoress who had no life happy!)


End file.
